Despite my 'diet', I'm actually putting on weight rather than losing it
Published 29/09/2015 | 00:00
I have been trying to shift a few stubborn pounds recently. Well more than a few actually but let's not get into specifics! They just seem to have crept on since I turned 40, attaching themselves to my tummy, thighs and Oh, did I mention by backside? No? Well the less said about that the better!
Up to then, I was one of those lucky people who could eat what they wanted and never gain weight. And I'm ashamed to say I didn't have a huge amount of sympathy for people who moaned about putting on weight.
'If they moved more and ate less, there wouldn't be a problem,' I used to think, laying back on the couch horsing into a double decker or something equally as sinful. Well by God have those thoughts come back to bite me on the aforementioned substantial backside I have since acquired.
Anyways I won't bore you with the details. Suffice to say I'm now on a permanent diet. When I say permanent, I mean I start on a Monday, deadly serious and plan my meals for the week ahead. I write everything I'm going to eat down in a little notebook and stock the fridge with lots of healthy options.
Trouble is, I have yet to eat exactly what's in that notebook. I may eat what I've written down but I have a tendency to supplement it with a few sneaky snacks and sugary treats along the way, which I fail to account for in writing.
For example Monday: I had the designated porridge and fresh orange juice as per my notebook. But at 11 I was feeling a bit peckish so I had a croissant. Then at lunchtime I had soup as per the notebook.....and a big crusty roll which wasn't on the menu! The kids came in from school, made them a snack and had a cup of tea and three choccy biscuits. But I ate them standing up, which I always say doesn't count! Dinner was supposed to be steak and vegetables but come on! you can't eat steak without a few spuds so I had a mound of creamy mashed potatoes.
And then there's the wine. I have gotten it into my head that anything liquid, especially alcohol doesn't have any calories. So my regular Wednesday, Thursday and Friday glasses of wine have absolutely nothing to do with me putting on weight.
So despite my 'diet', I'm actually putting on weight rather than losing it. The last straw came on Saturday night when Himself tried to wrestle me into a new dress I had bought six weeks ago. 'Why didn't you buy a dress that fitted you?' he inquired.
'It did feckin fit me.....six weeks ago,' I snarled as he finally got the zip up. Only problem was I couldn't bend my arms or move my legs. "See if you can sit down?" he said, trying not to laugh. I gingerly moved to sit on the side of the bed and heard a horrible ripping sound. Himself ran for cover. I sank into an undignified heap on the floor.
No Double Deckers for me this week...or crisps, or wine...well maybe some wine! Rome wasn't built in a day!