I'm not cut out for this dieting lark, I can't stop thinking about food!
Half a pound! I was distraught when I stepped on the scales on Monday morning.
After all my hard work and effort it all comes down to half pound.
And no I didn't lose it-I gained it!
Who joins a slimming club and puts on half a pound in their first week? Well obviously I do, much to the hilarity of my friends and family.
But if I'm being honest, I had a sneaky suspicion it hadn't gone as well as I hoped. Nothing to do with the entire sliced pan I'd inhaled on Sunday covered in butter, or the Thai takeaway I'd had on the Saturday after I convinced myself everyone needs a cheat day/days!
Which was why I refused to go to weigh in with my friend on the Monday. 'No way am I going down. I'll be a laughing stock! Nobody puts on bloody weight in their first week!' I lamented. 'Well you do obviously,' laughed the friend only delighted someone had done worse than her. Women are bitches, I tell ya!
But I would not be moved. Instead I got up on my own scales which is more accurate than the club's scales anyway (remember last week I was two pounds heavier on that one) and discovered I'd gained half a pound.
'I'm just not cut out for this dieting lark,' I told the sister-in-law who's always on some diet or other. 'I can't stop thinking about food. I'm dreaming about big doorstep sandwiches stuffed with cheese and mayonnaise and chicken korma with naan bread. If someone mentions another syn to me I'm going to scream.'
She was philosophical. 'Anyone who tells you they're not hungry on a diet is lying! You are hungry. All the time. But you just have to suck it up! No pain no gain,' she said, making a sandwich of see through bread and lettuce.
Later that day I got a text from the lovely lady who runs the group, saying she'd missed me at the meeting and she knew the first week could be hard. That made me feel even worse. She was being so nice and I was snaffling tayto sandwiches behind her back!
So I'm back to square one where my jeans are too tight and wearing a bikini would be an arrestable offence.
I have to come up with another plan to make me aesthetically acceptable before the holidays but no one is taking me seriously.
'You are just not cut out for diets. As soon as someone tells you can't have something, you want it even more,' says Himself giving an interesting insight into my warped psyche.
'You mean if I tell myself I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want I won't want it?'
A box of Ferrero Rocher later...it hasn't worked!
Back to the drawing board.