We haven't bonded with the hotel's other guests. Is it because we've no tattoos?
Published 14/07/2015 | 00:00
It would appear that Myself and Himself are the only adults in the hotel without a tattoo.
I have yet to spot someone else who doesn't have one. Himself suggested we get two of those henna tattoos for the craic so we wouldn't feel left out, but I was too chicken. Imagine if it didn't come off and I was stuck for the rest of my days with a big dirty anchor on my arm.
Tattoos are one of my pet hates. If I'd ever come home with one in my younger days my mother would have had a conniption. And if my son or daughter came home with one I'd be down on my knees wailing to St Jude. It's all very well getting a rose like Cheryl Fernadez Versini when you're young but that rose turns into a great bloody tangle of weeds when you hit middle age.
Anyway, perhaps the fact we are conspicuous by the absence of tattoos is the reason why we haven't 'bonded' with any other holidaymakers. Tattooed men in vests and 40-year-old women in neon mini skirts will never make it onto my Christmas card list.
Does that make me a terrible snob, I wonder? I like to think I'm just being honest. I'm sure some of them have looked at me and thought "that one could do with a few tattoos".
The Youngest on the other hand has 'bonded' with the entire hotel and is greeted everywhere she goes by kids and reps alike.
She's made best friends with the little girl whose mum has the big fake boobs. She would! I'm finding it very disconcerting. Every time I talk to her I end up staring at her chest no matter how hard I try not to. In my defence it's virtually impossible not to since she insists on walking around topless everywhere.
Himself averts his eyes every time he sees me glaring at him but to be fair it is extremely difficult not to stare. She got into the lift the other night while we were in it and it took me a few seconds to place her. 'Oh, I didn't recognise you with your clothes on!' I blurted out much to Himself's mortification.
'Why does Faye's mummy have her boobies out all the time?' The Youngest inquires. Why indeed. 'Maybe she just wants to get a tan all over,' I reply.
'But she has her bikini bottoms on. Is she going to take them off as well?'
'Sweet Jesus, I hope not.'
'Hers look different to yours, mum. Hers are kind of roundy, yours are more...' She pauses searching for the right word before settling on 'droopy'.
'Yeah well, mine are real - hers aren't," I say, indignantly hoicking up my swimsuit for a bit of extra support.
'Maybe you should get some fake ones too,' she suggests.
I just can't win!