Crazy tales from the Premier pantomime
Weird Wide World of Sport
Published 13/08/2016 | 00:00
Kids, always wear sunscreen.
There's a free piece of sage advice from someone really in the know.
While reporting on a couple of games over the weekend I somewhat sensibly selected the side of the pitch with the sun at my back as my vantage point, so my view wouldn't be impaired by the strange golden globe that has briefly and belatedly appeared in the sky.
Unfortunately I've now got a neck as red as the face of a 25 stone dart player in a packed and sweaty auditorium and it's hotter than a jockey's you know whats during a marathon steeplechase in the Sahara.
Anyway enough about my red-neck travails; with the Premier League about to kick off across the water there's plenty to get my teeth into in the weird and wacky world of sport.
Despite bookmakers and pundits saying it's a shoot-out between the big boys from Manchester, I reckon it's a wide open title race this season.
Wads of cash won't necessarily guarantee success with some players taking time to adjust to the frenetic nature of the league, so I'm not going to even attempt to predict the winner.
Here's a few things that may (or may not) happen during a topsy-turvy season though.
Jose Mourinho's love for himself will become so all-encompassing that he will cover his body entirely in sickly sweet jam and attempt to eat himself.
After too much nibbling, the self-centred one will pick up a nasty infection and be admitted to hospital.
However, the amount of 'Get Well Soon' cards he receives will fall short of his lofty expectations and he'll walk away from Old Trafford in a sulky huff.
The whole world order will then be restored when deluded Man United fans admit that he is an arrogant so and so after all and go back to hating him again.
Sticking with the Red Devils, Zlatan Ibrahimovic will attempt a bicycle kick so outlandish that he will disappear up his own backside. However, most observers won't notice, believing that's where he's been for most of his career.
In the blue half of the city, at the end of November on a wet and windy night in Stoke, Pep Guardiola will realise it's not possible to play beautiful football in England's top flight and will borrow 'Big Sam Allardyce's Guide to Hoofball' from the local library. Andy Carroll will be his main transfer target in the January window.
Chelsea fans, who after one poor season are looking around for a different club to support, will get confused between Conte and Kante but what will the Man from Del Monte say when they try to sign him?
Arsenal will yet again fall away in the second half of the season and the fans will bemoan the lack of bite and leadership needed to push on.
However, they'll still somehow manage to finish ahead of Spurs, despite Tottenham having assembled the most talented and promising squad they've had in decades.
Liverpool supporters will be delighted to learn that this will finally be their year.
Of course, they won't capture the title but they'll pull a big performance out of the hat to stop Manchester United from winning it and that will be enough to dine out on over the summer break.
After landing back-to-back manager of the month awards, David Moyes will turn his back on Sunderland to become a children's entertainer.
That winning smile and charisma is just wasted in the Premier League.
Unfortunately, a bit like the Mackems fans, his balloon animals will be deflated quicker than you can say relegation six-pointer.
Claudio Ranieri's Leicester will continue to defy the pundits as they sit on top of the table during the busy Christmas period.
However, the Foxes' hopes will suffer a massive blow when the manager is snapped up by the Vatican to turn water into wine in their newly-established role of miracle worker.
I wonder does the likeable Italian have any cure for a neck that's scaldier than a good old-fashioned Robert Huth tackle?
Thankfully I'll be scoffing crisps instead of getting fried like one, while the Premier League action is beamed into my sitting room.
Now let the fun begin.