Monday 14 October 2019

Champagne trail in the Tent can leave you in the drink

Another round of TV exchanges in the race for residency at the Phoenix Park

GOOD EVENING said an excited Vincent Blue as he introduced another round of the presidential exchanges on his top rated 'yesterday' programme. Tonight we have some truly astonishing video footage which I want to show you before we begin. With that a poor quality image filled the screen. It featured a bald headed man and a number of rather chubby men. They were all sipping the contents of champagne glasses. Then the chubbiest of all the men, a bespectacled figure, burst into song. Later another of the chubby men, a distinguished looking man with greying hair was seen making his way through the attendance with a cap collecting money. He was later observed putting the money in his own pocket.

As the camera cut back to Vincent Blue the image that filled the screen was truly remarkable.. Vincent was purpled faced and strained to get his words out properly as he lunged forward towards the Dragon Man.

'Here we have positive proof of your involvement at the very heart of Fianna Fail' charged Vincent. ' You are in a tent with some of their most senior officers including the Drink Man and the No Bank Account Man and money appears to be changing hands'.

'Vincent Vincent', pleaded The Dragon Man you are completed wrong to suggest that I ever gave money to anyone. I didn't get to where I am today by giving money away, indeed even if I owed you the money you'd be looking to get it from me. And if you don't believe me just ask the Louth Enterprise Board. So once again you are completely wrong Vincent' said the Dragon Man.

'But you were drinking champagne and that's exactly what I have been saying all along. We don't need a champagne drinker in the Park, we need an ordinary man and I am an ordinary man. I remember when were we growing up we were so poor that it wasn't a case of getting jam on your bread you either got the bread or the jam but not both' said Fine Gay.

'Oh there he goes again with the poor mouth' said Quango Mary 'we could all play that card you know and I am very transparent. It is very difficult to maintain my lifestyle on €3,000 per week. If it were not for the extra few bob I get for sitting on state boards we'd have to cut back on our dinner parties and we might have to cut out spa treatments at least a day a week so don't talk to me about trying to make ends meet'

'Oh I like a little spa treatment myself ' said David Pomp ' but talking about poverty I think I am the only one here who has been on a disability payment for the past twenty years so I think I have a real affinity with the disadvantaged' added Pomp.

'Disadvantaged my arse' charged Fine Gay. 'Oh you naughty boy' replied Pomp.

'I could say a lot here tonight Vincent' said the D Man but I am very conscious that I am ahead in the polls and the less I say the better, but I do just want to say this.

'I could say that The Dragon Man has a Fianna Fail membership card in his back pocket. i could say that Quango Mary and her 100% mortgages wrecked the country. I could say that David is a pompous shite, I could say that Fine Gay is little more than a street fighter, I could say too that Constitutional Rosemary is just mad and that Chuckle Mick has a gun in his back pocket, but all that would be nasty. It might be true, but it would be nasty wouldn't it and I don't want to be nasty.

With that Chuckle Mick produced a gun from his pocket and took aim at Fine Gay. Vincent and all the candidates immediately dived for cover as Chuckle Mick began to spray his water pistol around the studio. Laughing hysterically Chuckle Mick said ' look at you crowd of cowards diving for cover at the sight of a gun and you want to be the Commander in Chief of the Army. Clearly I am the only one here qualified for this job'. Scrambling to his feet a distressed and disorientated Vincent said 'You may have a point there Chuckler the rest of them nearly fainted at the sight of a gun'

'Vincent I wish to read a statement about some very serious issues', said Constitutional Rosemary, 'You will not this is not Prime Time, now shut up' said Vincent. Undeterred, Constitutional Rosemary began 'It has come to my attention' But Vincent turned to face the camera and announced: ' that's it, the weather's next'.