independent

Monday 19 August 2019

Ten things us lads learned this week

SHEA TOMKINS

THE YOUNGER LAD: 1) Shouting and roaring in the middle of the night doesn't guarantee me a ticket into the auld pair's bed anymore.

For the last week or two I have been under the weather and they took pity on my doe eyes. I admit I took advantage of their sympathetic natures but as a result of that the two of them are knackered. Now they genuinely sleep through the wails, in fact their exhausted snores drown out the best roar I can muster up. I need to think of another trick. Maybe I'll pretend I just saw a ghost. Or I could toss one of my new shoes at their wall. They'd love that.

2) The naughty step is a right old laugh. Ah golly, there I was with my feet up on the kitchen table, and she's wagging the finger at me like a window wiper gone wrong, telling me she'll put me sitting at the end of the stairs.

The good mother says the rule is for every year of my life I have to spend a minute on the naughty step, when I act the maggot. Sure I'm only a year-and-a-half, that's ninety seconds, I can hold my breath for longer. I couldn't care less. I'll be back putting my feet up on the table in no length. Some laugh.

3) I'm an expensive little fellow to keep healthy. Last week I was out in the garden, sticking all kinds of muck and worms and stuff into my mouth and before I knew it, I was dragged off to the caredoc, on a Saturday of all days. That's supposed to be my day off.

I won myself a mouth infection and the good mother had to hand over 60 quid, that's a lot of Petit Filous. Not to mention the medicine. Another 70 quid. I thought she was going to trade me on Done Deal after that one. Still though, it made me better. And they all seemed happy enough about that.

4) It seems that being able to identify all the CBeebies characters in my new magazine is embarrassing the auld pair. What do they expect when they plonk me in front of the telly so often? A baby picks things up very quickly. Also, I'm delighted Mad Men and Downton got the Emmy nominations - I'm a huge fan. Don't like Revenge though, load of auld tripe.

5) I can get the older lad into an awful lot of trouble. The other day he only went and lightly squeezed me and I turned on the waterworks, big time. He ended up in his bedroom and I got to sit in his chair and play with the Star Wars men for an hour. Tee hee hee.

THE YOUNG LAD

1) The auld pair have eyes in the back of their heads. The baby was at me, like a fly at a bin, and I gave him a light squeeze to make him hop it. He roared like a sniper had got him. I ended up banished to the bedroom and I know he had a right old time of it with my Star Wars men. I could hear him humming the theme tune from downstairs, just to rub it in.

2) Always tell the auld fella everything, even when I'm asked not to. On Saturday the good mother brought me and the baby to do the shopping. When she was finished she put us back in the car and as we drove off a man appeared, waving at us to go back.

She had left the shopping on the side of the road. She made me promise not to tell when we got home. Of course I told. It's good to see auld fella belly-laugh. It stops him going grey, for a while at least.

3) It's not right to hurt ants. With all the rain we have been subjected to this summer, we had a bit of a bumper movie weekend. One of the movies we watched was The Ant Bully and it taught me how ants have feelings too, and we shouldn't be out to destroy their homes. Afterwards, I made the auld pair get rid of the ant traps. So what if insects want to explore our home, the place is big enough for all of us. I heard the auld fella saying I'm never getting to watch Ratatouille.

4) I'm not allowed look at the cards when dealing. Card games are a new concept to me, especially this one they call Crazy Eights. I told the old pair to lighten up when it comes to the rules, that a four-and-a-halfyear-old needs time to learn the ropes. I have found that I stand a better chance of winning when I deal, though unfortunately they noticed too.

Now they insist on being in the room when I'm handing out the cards. So much for trust.

5) Alice Cooper rocks. By a complete accident I came across a CD of the auld fella's and the first song on it is a song called Poison, by Alice Cooper. I find it is ideal driving music.

I've asked him if I can watch the video on You Tube but he keeps telling me no - I heard him grumble something about too many chains and corsets. Eighties rock beats the socks off Mary Had A Little Lamb.

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