My life has been taken over by Netflix - with all other activity ceased
I've been trying to remember what my life was like before Netflix. I think we used to talk, as a family I mean. Occasionally it was even interesting conversation-talk about what countries we'd most like to visit, what would we do if we won the lottery, what did we think of our new neighbours and their frequent parties (I was mainly annoyed that we hadn't been invited!)
And of course there were the more mundane conversations like who was going to cook dinner, why I have such an aversion to recycling (it's not recycling per se, it's handling smelly milk cartons and sticky jars, uuugh!), and why did the playroom constantly look like it had just been ransacked.
We did stuff together as well. We went for walks on the beach, rides on our bikes (Ok that's a lie, the rest of them were on bikes, I walked leisurely behind) and got takeaways and played board games when we got home.
Then Netflix entered our lives and all other activity ceased to exist. Every evening and every weekend we find ourselves glued to the telly and stuck to the couch as we watch series after series of Scandi Noir and American Political drama whilst the children are hooked up to their X boxes and Ipads.
I know, I know. You don't need to tell me this is bad for the children. The X Box addict has developed a twitch from playing his Fifa game too much and the Ipad Girl goes around singing 'Let it Go' in several different languages, Japanese being her favourite at present.
Meanwhile our social life has ground to a halt. We haven't had a proper night out together in ages and have cancelled several with friends, feigning sickness and lack of babysitters when in reality we wanted to stay in and watch the last four episodes of House of Cards.
Don't even get me started on The Killing, The Bridge, and Borgen-all dark Scandanavian dramas that have left me talking like the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show and saving up to visit Malmo so I can cross That Bridge.
I have nothing to say for myself. Well obviously I don't mean that literally but I have nothing to talk about other than what I've been watching on Netflix. As soon as the formalities are over I'm off.
'Have you been watching House of Cards Season 3?' And my elation when they are is completely over the top. 'Oh My God! You are?! It's just amazing isn't it? What episode are you on?'
This is the thing about Netflix addicts. It will all be very general conversation with lots of suggestions and innuendos but no spoilers. You would be excommunicated if you gave anything away. This secret code of conversation proves extremely tedious for anybody else in your company who doesn't watch whatever series you're talking about.
My friends and family now brace themselves when forced to spend time with me. They think I haven't noticed but I have. It hurts but not as much as cancelling my subscription to Netflix would. Now that would be a step too far!