independent

Friday 20 September 2019

Walking is the only exercise I can do without falling over

Justine O'Mahony
Justine O'Mahony

Everyone seems to be running! Everywhere I look there are people on the footpaths clad in the very best of lycra and they're running. In all sorts of weather.

I saw a woman the other day pushing a double buggy, and running behind it in the lashing rain. What kind of madness is that?

And they always look smug (or maybe it's pain but to me it looks like smugness, the same way Eddie Hobbs always looks smug!) as if they're looking at me going 'Look! my body is a temple!' whilst I'm thinking, 'Well mine is a disco.'

I don't like this running business for two reasons-one is I don't understand how people derive pleasure from it and two, I know I'd never be able to do it in a million years.

I have the worst co-ordination ever and once fell off a treadmill in a gym whilst trying to watch Sky News! When I did yoga during my Zen phase I was unable to lift my right leg and left arm at the same time and in Kettlebells I whacked myself on the head, almost rendering myself unconscious whilst attempting to do a manouevre involving lifting the kettlebell over and around my noggin.

So we've established I'm not sporty. The trouble is I'm feeling a bit left out. While out on a girls night recently they were all talking about their early morning runs and how invigorating they were. They'd all lost weight and were glowing with good health.

I did momentarily consider dropping them all and getting a new set of friends but that is an awful lot of effort and anyway I'm quite fond of the girls. But I'm never going to be able to join in with their conversations about early runs, half marathons and pulled muscles.

Being lazy is definitely not cool at the moment, it would appear, and I am if I'm being honest, inherently lazy. People are so much more conscious of their health these days, they want to eat clean and keep fit when all I want to do is sit on the couch, drink wine and eat Doritos.

Trouble is I've no one to do it with anymore, except Himself. But he's cute. He'll indulge in the Doritos and the wine but he'll also play a few sneaky games of tennis every week just to keep on top of things. Meanwhile my lardy a*** is getting lardier and lardier.

Therefore the day after Paddy's Day I'm embarking on my zillionth get fit campaign, Well you can't do it before Paddy's Day, that would be plain stupid!

I have no idea what form this fitness campaign will take except that it will involve exercise to some degree and a horrifying lack of Doritos. Notice I didn't say anything about wine? A girl has to have some pleasures.

To be honest it will probably involve walking because that's about the only exercise I can do without falling over! So if you see me on the roads trotting along on my little short legs be sure to give me a beep, a lift would be even better!!

Flab Alley here I come!

Wexford People